The Paper

What did Malek say?

2009-09-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've just logged into blogger for the first time in months and have found a draft of a post I created after a September visit to the Vic. It goes as follows:

"Nice moment tonight at the Vic. Some guy bets £10 on the river into a £50 pot. Everyone folds to Malek who dwells up for a few moments, then asks"

... and then abruptly ends.

I now have no recollection of what Malek actually said. But I do know it was very, very funny.

So I am turning it over to you, my dear reader, to make your own conjectures; to conduct, if you will, your own investigations; feel free to speculate, and so forth. I'm sure that with the power of the internet, we can solve this one together.

Vegas 12 step programme (for small Limit Holdem games)

2008-01-04T12:22:00.000-08:00

Here are some “notes to self” that I wrote up during my 2003 trip. Played mostly 3-6 and 6-12 at the Mirage, 4-8 at the Horseshoe etc. Warning - some of this advice is not very advanced:-

1. Don’t play weak starting hands

2. Almost any suited cards are good when 6 or 7 players are seeing every flop

3. Don’t wait till the turn to check-raise when your hand was actually not very strong anyway on the flop

4. Don’t play for 18 hours straight when you have just arrived

5. Don’t play when 90% of the table is old rocks

6. Mornings and afternoon are full of tough players. Prime time is 7pm-1am

7. Do some reading on playing against maniacs before your next trip

8. Rake is proportionately less severe in 6-12 than 3-6

9. Be aware that some weak players will cost you money by raising with 3rd best hands against your 2nd best hand - get over it.

10. Don’t call so much with losing hands

11. Only bluff against players capable of folding a hand

12. Don’t check-raise semi-bluff tough experienced opponents on the turn when the pot is already huge, they’ve been making aggressive action on every street, and they are nursing personal animosity towards you

A student’s rite of passage

2007-12-01T09:05:00.000-08:00

Update from my University pal:-

“I went on tilt last week and lost $1,000. All profit thankfully (still up $850 on FT since July). Lost $600 in one 2 or 3 hour session - pretty impressive considering the $1-$2 blinds! Remaining $400 was lost in bad beats mostly.

After the on-tilt phase I had a period when I couldn't win with the best hand e.g. all-in with AJ on a J-rag-rag board all diamonds. I got called by KJ. He only had 2 outs as Kd would give me a flush. But he hit it anyway.

It's a funny thing about poker, I have periods where I'm winning 8 out of 10 sessions, then a period where all my bluffs are called/re-raised, I continually miss the flop, I don't get position even if raising in the cut-off, and I can't win when I flop the nuts. I can't explain it.”

(The Paper…) With experience, comes learning. With learning, comes understanding. With understanding, comes an awareness of ebb and flow. With an awareness of ebb and flow comes a tendency not to stir the hornet’s nest. With a tendency not to stir the hornet’s nest comes the occasional dinner voucher courtesy of Joe McCann. With the occasional dinner voucher courtesy of Joe McCann comes an ability to withstand comparisons of one’s physique with that of Zach from Desperate Housewives while just sitting there quietly playing one’s cards in the 8-16 Limit game at the Bellagio. This the sum total of my learning after a number of years of playing poker.

Note: The Student will be playing in the £50 freeze out at the Vic on Wed 12th Dec, and will be available for the signing of autographs and posing for photographs.

Did you mean badonkadonk?

2007-08-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

I have been using Slotboom’s short-stack technique a lot recently in PLO.

Twice last night, on gutshot’s old skin of Scandinavian site 24h poker, I limp/re-raised a loose aggressive player on my left with KKxx, and doubled up both times. Quite satisfying to deploy this technique against those players that like to boss the table with their raises.

The fellow in question was a bit miffed, typing “nh klonkdonk” in the chat box.

I was intrigued by the epithet. It sounded like an attractive sort of insult. Sort of how a Swedish version of Stephen Fry might affectionately chastise a Swedish version of Alan Davies. Curious, I googled it.

To which, Google replied, somewhat imaginatively: “did you mean badonkadonk?”

This charming word turns out to be “a slang term for a woman’s buttocks that are voluptuously large and firm. The term is thought to derive from the imagined rhythm of a sexy gait.” (Wikipedia). It has apparently featured in rap lyrics.

Conclusion: never underestimate the educational opportunities that poker playing may present.

I resisted the impulse to type “did you mean badonkadonk?” back at my Scandinavian friend, however.

How the hell are we oldies supposed to win against newbies like this?

2007-08-19T11:12:00.000-07:00

An old university friend of mine has recently taken up online poker.

After a few months, he has consumed several of the well-known poker books. Here are some of his comments.

“I'm currently reading Snyder's book. It's most interesting. He promotes a very aggressive position based style. You should probably read it at some point for tournament play, even if you prefer the conservative style, so that you can better recognize some of the moves that the table bullies are making and react accordingly.”

(The Paper)… Hmm, seems like you’re getting the hang of all this.

“I've tried the basic approach a small number of times and it certainly seems to help chip building, particularly from positional plays.

Snyder talks of chips, cards, and position as being weapons. In general you can get a better hand to fold when you have position by making a bet that can not be called.

In fact, Snyder suggests that your cards are the weakest weapon since premium hands come around so infrequently.”

(The Paper)… Blimey.

“I've recently finished reading Sklansky's "Tournament Poker for advanced players". I don't much like Sklansky's books, writing style, or words of wisdom and so I don't know why I keep on buying them. Sklansky preaches a highly conservative playing style (one that The Paper might like I see from the reports on your blog). His wisdom is usually based upon the strength of a two-card, i.e. pre-flop, hand. This type of information doesn't suit my learning needs nor will it make anyone a winning player in my view.”

(The Paper)… Wow! Ruthless!

“Sklansky (and other conservative style authors) will tell us that A-Q suited is better than 7-5 off for example. Sklansky will tell us the theoretical mathematical expectation of one hand winning against another, and devote pages of formulae in doing so. But Sklansky has very little advice for post flop play. And yet the chances of winning a pot strongly shifts away from card play when the flop misses both hands, as indeed it does most of the time.”

(The Paper)… You seem quite a sharp cookie, university friend.

“Sklansky's "advanced" book contains nothing at all about positional plays, and very little to nothing about chip plays. There's also nothing about spotting weakness, player styles, playing the player, betting patterns, managing and exploiting your table image, hand reading, gear changes, situational opportunities, mid-tournament strategies, pre-bubble tournament strategies, and so on. All in all it's a very poor "advanced" book.”

(The Paper)… WTF??? I mean seriously, WTF?? When did you start playing???

“Incidentally, in Snyder's book he reckons that his final table chip stack is comprised of 40% card play, 40% positional play, and 20% blind steal. It's a good read and I can recommend it to you.”

(The Paper)… Er, OK.

“I've started to read Matt Lessinger "The book of bluffs". It also looks very useful. There are some interesting things about betting patterns that I'll study more deeply. I think that it will also be useful to make some of the bluffs suggested more often (I've only read the first few bluffs so far and it turns out that I'm using them already anyway).”

(The Paper)… I’m feeling sick now.

“Even if you don't plan on bluffing much then I think that the information in the book makes it easier to spot a bluff attempt, so that you can re-raise the bluffer as necessary.”

(The Paper) … Seriously? You’ve only just started playing, and you’re talking about bluff re-raising??

“Even a tight player needs to show the table that he can't be pushed around too often or else he'll become an easy target. I realise that you wrote in a previous e-mail that there's not very much bluffing in poker. You must have been speaking for yourself since other players, me included, will bluff quite often, particularly with position, bluff-able flops, if I spot weakness, and so on. In fact, I'm pretty much always looking for opportunities to steal a pot (although I probably don't exercise my rights to do so as often as I should). And so I can recommend this book to you anyway. This is an advanced book and not for beginners in my view.”

(The Paper) … I’m feeling about 2 inches tall now.

Anyway, the point of this e-mail is that I wanted your opinion on poker tracking software such as Poker Office or Poker Tracker. They seem to dynamically keep track of player styles, your success with certain hands, and the odds of winning a pot given you current hand and community cards.

(The Paper)… Er, yeah, well, er (cough), see ya then.

Port Eliot Lit Fest 07

2007-08-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

The Priscillas 4-piece all girl punk-pop band. Fun, entertaining show with some catchy songs.

Dulwich Ukelele Club - 10 piece ukulele band. Keen to point out they were actually from the cheaper end of East Dulwich. Lively display of all-round verve and gusto, and some fine songs. Recommended.

Louis Eliot - highly agreeable country rock from this St Germans-based singer/songwriter, who also featured in Black Friday. I was gutted I only caught a couple of minutes of this.

Black Friday - raucous celtic folk. A festival highlight.

Salt Peter - lascivious porno dub stars back at Port Eliot for more renditions of "I’m not gay but I’ll snog you anyway", "Everybody back to mine", "Oi Oi Savaloy" etc. V good.

The Bucket Boys - Cornwall-based ageing rockers of impressive pedigree (Pink Floyd etc) with their mix of blues country swing & soul. Excellent good time vibes and musicianship.

Luke Wright - Performance poet returning from Port Eliot 2006. Good.

Aisle 16 - Luke Wright’s Poetry Collective mates. Good.

Rosie Boycott - speaking on her farm and feminism and possessing a goddess-like stature approaching that of say a Martha Wainwright here in Paper World.

Anarchy in the UK - Tom Hodgkinson - editor of The Idler, reading from his book "How to be Free", sequel to best-selling "How to be Idle". Tracing a line between the 19th Century Parisian Flaneurs, through to the Beats, Hippies, Situationists and Punks, though strangely omitting any reference to the denizens of W2 gambling emporia. The Paper became attuned to some of these ideas a while ago and has even debated on Bertrand Russell’s essay “In Praise of Idleness” with a certain floppy-haired marketing executive regularly seen at HQ.

Vive La Rock! - Paul Gorman - author of style bible “ The Look : Adventures in Rock & Pop fashion”. Top NY-based fashion designer Anna Sui (weirdly hitherto unknown to The Paper) and a croak-voiced Anita Pallenberg shared the stage. Readings about encounters with Elvis’s tailor, McLaren, Westwood etc. The Paper absorbed the info presented with a certain amount of indifference.

Simon Munnery - thankfully had dispensed with last year’s bizarre Sherlock Holmes character comedy shenanigans, this was a straightforward stand-up act, and a pretty masterly one.

Joe Boyd - 60s record producer for Pink Floyd, Nick Drake etc reading from his memoirs, interspersed with excerpts over the PA of some of the more celebrated recordings he was involved in, e.g. Arnold Layne, Poor Boy. Pleasant enough to zone out to.

Jones and Barnard - Gareth Jones and Matt Barnard, who turned out to be none other than dungeon stalwart Matt “The Jug” Barnard. Act consisted of MB balancing a pint of lager on his head, drinking it through a tube, all whilst juggling 3 flaming clubs, while GJ escaped from a straitjacket. Good to see the Jug again, though no time to reminisce in any detail other than to learn that he had had 1% of BadBeat at the WSOP ME.

Port Eliot Pics 2007

2007-07-31T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Munificence of Joe McCann

2007-06-09T07:15:00.000-07:00

The Vic last Sunday afternoon. Got there just as entries were closing for the 3pm £30 satellite.

Joe says “Do you want into this?” but I hear it as “Do you want anything?” so I jokingly reply "Well how about a dinner on the house". But lo, within 60 seconds he has produced a £25 voucher - I am gob smacked.

Then I get home and read this

I'm slightly shattered it wasn't specifically my own esteemed custom getting its eventual just desserts, but now I'm luxuriating in the vision of a future literally littered with these oblongs of pure delight.

Anyway, I hung around for a couple of hours, forlornly waiting for any game other than the one table of £100 PLH then on the go (Fred, DY, Michael Arnold,The Snorkeller etc marv) narrowly missing the 5pm finger food apparently.

Still, will be back later this month (probably Thursday 21st, Paper spotters/Value seekers) for the freebie and no doubt some wild £25 NL.

Poker Player / Rock Star

2007-05-09T15:26:00.000-07:00

Neil Channing on lead vocals
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzYfWlTo-kE

Mad Yank on bass guitar
(non Rush fans may wish to FF to 05:05)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSropm0CpFA

Desperate Housewives

2007-05-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

I was playing 8-16 limit holdem at the Bellagio a couple of years ago and a little old lady, who had been quiet as a mouse all evening, suddenly piped up: "You look just like a character in Desperate Housewives". I tuned in to Channel 4 on my return home expecting to see my likeness reflected in some strapping all-American hunk presumably dating Teri Hatcher.

But no. It was the weedy teenager, Zach.
... Marvellous, I thought at the time.

But nowadays, Zach is becoming a bit of a cool dude:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOekvUvkhbs

Well all right!

Getting into a raising war with Pedro

2007-03-14T02:43:00.000-07:00

April 2004.

There was no way either of us was not going to commit serious amounts of chips here.

I limp UTG with 89, no raises.

Flop Q Jh Th. I check, Pedro bets £5, one caller, I call.

Turn Ts. I bet £5, Pedro raises 5 more, other guy cold calls, I call the extra 5.

River blank, we all check.

Pedro announces three Tens and I scoop the pot, ker-ching!

Bad Teddy Karma

2007-03-10T15:46:00.000-08:00

Back in the days when I lived in a B&B round the corner from Harrowby Street, I went to the Vic every other day.

I used the place mostly as a kind of social club (a bit like Peter Benson). Somewhere to eat stir-fry and watch the football on the big TV.

Anyway, I collected the frequent visitor points and was duly rewarded with a George Foreman lean-mean grilling-machine, a large Teddy and two England-supporting Cuddly Lions (it was Euro 2004 & I‘d narrowly failed to accumulate the complete set of three lions). Yes, Grosvenor really knew how to treat the high rollers like The Paper.

All these items have languished in boxes or bin bags for the last couple of years but I'm now keen to move them on.

The grill is on its way to a culinarily-minded colleague. But what to do with Teddy and his pals? Their natural target constituency is the younger segment of the population. But it seems plain wrong to visit such items of dubious provenance on these innocents - perhaps the capital invested in these furry objects comes directly from the case funds of compulsive degenerates, recently-resigned gas sector-based public servants, ditching their formerly productive lives to pursue a 'career' as a 'professional' poker player.

The skillful thing would perhaps be to offer them up without volunteering details of their precise history. In karmic terms, I think this would serve as purification, and their new owner would remain unsullied.

Are there any lamas out there who are regular readers of this blog and could provide some guidance on this please?

Mr Chu shows a touch of arrogance

2007-02-28T18:23:00.000-08:00

There are few finer sights in poker than when Mr Chu is on form - the cards are falling his way, he’s making good decisions, and he starts to turn in a bit of a performance. The pronouncements become more dramatic, the guttural intonations more rumbling, the hand-arm gestures more expansive and elaborate.

It usually isn’t on show for very long - after a successful run, he is apt to take a two hour time-out, long enough to be allowed to sit back down with a minimum buy-in. Meantime, he’ll have a pensive wander around the roulette tables, occasionally pressing his face against the glass to check out the latest ups and downs of the game, all the while puffing on a cigarette.

On my Christmas return to the Vic, there was one night in particular when we were treated to such a display. He’d been having a good half hour, and then all the money is suddenly in the middle on a J 9 3 2 board when he’s holding KK. The river’s a T, but Mr C stands & cries “That’s fine!”, rakes in the pot and is already stacking his chips before the other guy even has a chance to turn over his QT, so confident is our man in the accuracy of his read. You just can’t teach that sort of thing.

Out of retirement

2007-01-31T18:36:00.000-08:00

After pretty much ‘retiring’ from live poker at the end of 2004, I returned to the Vic before Christmas and have now regained quite a taste for it. I’d been enjoying the internet - speed, convenience, no griping, ability to read the paper without players appealing to Caroline (Pedro!) - but now I’m bored by the facelessness of it all.

So to the Vic, and grappling with the new scene there. After a lengthy diet of 0.25/0.50 and 0.50/1.00 online, I haven’t been too proud to shun the new £25 NLH game; have mixed this in with the £50 NLH game.

Overall, level. Winning in the £25, losing in the £50 - I can only beat the bad players.

Many of the old faces are still plying their trade. Have played with the likes of Pedro, Derek Bishop, Costas, Adrian Holmes, Mr Chu, Mad Monk, Henry Russell. This is really the crown jewels of poker. Other faces in the room have included unlikely characters from the past like Methani, Fred Titmus, F Rohan, Al Rapp plus the less surprising figures of R Gladding, JQ.

Pedro is quite the property tycoon these days, what with the flat in Kilburn, plus ‘half a house‘. He was explaining that his proposed deal to buy an old ruin in France, and turn it into a hotel, had fallen through. “N'est-ce pas?" was his repeated comment on the matter. (No joke).

Mr Jeffrey Leigh asked me if I was playing on the internet these days. He is pretty scathing about this modern trend. "It's not real poker, is it?" On getting home, I tuned into BBC4 documentary "Old Grey Whistle Test Story" featuring Bob Harris’s infamous 'Mock Rock' comment on the NY Dolls. Surely some parallels here, blog buddies?

The only hand of note was in a £50 game when I had AsQh in the big blind. 4 limpers whom I decide to punish with a £10 raise. 2 callers. Flop is J rag rag, all spades. I decide to bet half the pot £20. One caller. We both now have about £70 left. Turn is Th, so a river King is probably now good for me. I decide to bet out the £70. He calls with Jd5s. River is a blank and he takes it down. I discussed this hand with Adrian Holmes, who said he wouldn’t have played it so aggressively, and provided this good insight: “any player that calls pre-flop here with an unsuited Jack isn’t going to be moved off the pot when a Jack hits“.

And finally, I can report that Mr Chu is now the proud owner of a magnificent high-collared shirt which out-Harry Hills Harry Hill.

I am now thinking of a regular ‘fashion watch’ feature in this blog, so stay tuned.

Snorkelling with Rick Gladding

2006-12-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

Swimming with the Devilfish? Pah!

October 2002, I fancied a bit of a warmer climate, so headed for Aruba for the Ultimate Bet "Caribbean Poker Classic". I hadn't qualified for a tournament, just turned up to play some low limit games, have a holiday, view the Ultimate Bet goings on, etc. Mr G made the trip on a similar basis.

I'd better warn you now - there isn't much point to this posting, I just like the title.

The Brickell Bay Hotel was the option favoured by The Paper, 5 mins walk down the beach from the Holiday Inn which was hosting the poker. Not a great hotel actually, pretty basic, a pity, since cash games were hard to find during the day (well it makes sense, what kind of sick individual would be wanting to play poker in the Aruban daytime) and you could have done with some decent hotel facilities, blog buddies.

UB ran a tourney every day, maybe starting late afternoon, from a few hundred dollars to $1,000 plus. There were daily satellites at $125 with a pretty fast structure that didn't give a lot of play. Had a go at one of these (limit holdem, 600 starting chips, blinds started at 10-25 but went up quickly, got knocked out with QQ vs KT, K on flop, but too many chips committed to pass it) but otherwise it was a case of waiting for the $4-8 limit holdem that kicked off late evening. Mr Gladding displayed the versatility of a true pro, playing the limit stud games that kicked off late afternoon, mostly with the locals.

Faces at the event included the UB reps, viz Hellmuth, Devilfish, Duke plus the likes of Scotty, John Bonetti, Vaswani, Russ Hamilton, Jennifer Harman, Lederer, Juha Helppi, Phil Gordon. Maybe 100-130 players in all.

Probably the best bit of the trip was the snorkelling on the last day. I'm not an outdoorsy type at all, but this was really rather enjoyable.

I did actually tangle with the Devilfish on one occasion - I was playing $4-8 limit holdem, raised with 89 in a button steal type situation. A friend of the fish was in the big blind, and as she pondered the raise, he happened to join her, and re-raised. I think I hit 2nd pair on the flop and called them down, something like that. Turns out they had 89 too. One to tell the grand-children eh? Sheesh... balls of steel against one of the world's most feared...

I shall now sign off with an account of a few hands I saw where I admired the play:

1. Devilfish: 5 handed PLO game, $10-$10 blinds, Flop 983, all 3 players check. As dealer burns and turns, DF first to act, mutters "Put a 6 out there". Q comes. "That's no good" says our friend. All check. 6 comes on river, DF bets pot, others pass, he shows 77xx.

2. John Bonetti: UB ran this fairly extraordinary freeroll for some of the 'pros', winner take all $250K, between Duke, Scotty, Bonetti, Hellmuth, Devilfish, Hamilton, P.Gordon plus I think Harman and Vaswani. Bonetti and Hellmuth see a flop of 943 and both check. A deuce on the turn, Hellmuth checks, Bonetti bets 2000, Hellmuth calls. Queen comes on the end, Hellmuth checks, Bonetti bets 5000. Hellmuth: "D'ya get lucky and hit a Queen?" Bonetti (in brusque, gruff Brooklyn tones) "Yeah I got lucky, I hit a Queen.... or what if I've got two pair?............." then in a pleading, sad, tone of voice: "Don't call, Phil, don't call" as if in deep sympathy with Mr H. Hellmuth finally folds, Bonetti holds onto his cards, says "do you want to see?" Hellmuth has his chin tucked into his chest and visor down, mutters "I don't care.... ok then yes", Bonetti shows T8.

3. Bonetti and DF, just for the speech play. As Bonetti mucks his cards, P.Gordon seems to have glimpsed them as they've hit the table... "two spades exposed" he says. DF says to Bonetti: "Throw em in low". JB is irked. "I dint have two spades... he's trying to use psychology, to get an edge....I got children older dan you". JB stews for a few more minutes, muttering and shaking his head... "you bin speakin to me for years, but I never understood a word you said" DF quietly: "it's a good job - you didn't hear what I was calling you".

Final highlight: Melissa Hayden says to me: "you're from London?"... squints a bit more closely ... "is your name Julian?... Oh... but you know who I mean right?... hey Scotty, do you remember Julian from the ride at the Stratosphere?"... Scotty: "Oh, errr, uh-huh".

Holdem 100

2006-12-08T09:16:00.000-08:00

Given that The Paper is now linked up by one of the UK's leading poker portals, I thought I'd better re-vamp the site (Tesco's for Argos, a few music items dropped after a rather disappointing gig at the 12 Bar club the other day from 3 of the bands that I was linking up) and actually post something, maybe even make it poker-related.

So... spent Sunday at the excellent Holdem 100 an annual charity tournament for the Royal Marsden Hospital held at the Gutshot club in Clerkenwell. Had an early double up with TT vs 99, where I ended up with quads. Got a fair amount of luck to survive all-ins with Kc8c vs JJ, 67 vs A3 and Q7 vs 9T to finish 7th. Played badly at the final table, letting myself get too low stacked. I sort of lost count of my chip stack and imminent blinds increases, due to concentrating a bit too heavily on my newly arrived tuna mayo sandwich. I'd eaten some dodgy chestnuts from the street in the West End the night before (how stupid is that?), been violently sick in the night and was now looking forward to some slightly more wholesome nutrition. That's my excuse anyway. The sandwich moment is caught on camera forever over at their web site. There is a long and illustrious list of iconic images in poker, Doyle, Stuey, Johnny, the Cincinnati Kid, to this list must now be added that of The Paper about to attack the said sarny.

I've virtually given up playing live these days (too slow, too much griping, too frowned-upon to be reading the paper whilst at the tables) but this tournament is always hugely enjoyable due to the excellent vibe created by the organisers and participants. I used to enjoy it most when held in wacky non-poker locations like the Porchester Hall or Cobden Club, but can understand the practical advantages of holding it at what is certainly the friendliest and most comfortable regular poker joint around, namely the Gutshot.

Talking of great non-regular poker locations, Borders book store in Oxford Street was a classic venue around 2000-ish, hosting the joint launch event for Jesse May's Shut Up and Deal and David Spanier's The Hand I Played, tourney run by Roy Houghton and featuring the likes of the Sweep as table captain. Book tokens for prizes. Went out on bubble but that's another story.

Port Eliot Pics

2006-10-15T04:09:00.000-07:00

House in foreground, church behind, Ha Ha tent front right - venue for Munnery, Blaize, Kureishi, Fraser, Salt Peter. Other acts appeared in marquees and gardens up hill to the left.

Swing through 180 degrees: Camping ground to both sides. Nicely appointed.

House on left, church on right, ample parking to foreground.

Creek in foreground. Area abundant in mature orach leaves.

Port Eliot Lit Fest

2006-10-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

Part pastoral idyll, part voyage into decadent exoticism. Incredibly beautiful grounds and fairly clean toilets.

http://www.porteliotlitfest.com/

Fri night

Arthur Brown and Polly Marshall. AB (looking in incredibly good condition all things considered) and his biographer reading from the biography 'God of Hellfire'. Tales of encounters with the Sicilian constabulary and other mildly amusing japery.

Saturday

Alain de Botton - doesn't like Barrett homes.

Arthur Smith - Tour of the Grounds: cancelled due to sickness in the family.

Hanif Kureishi - Reading from The Buddha of Suburbia: majestic stuff: scenes from the meditation evening at Eva Kay's house: garden and attic room. Q&A session: soaring acerbicism. 'Why don't you write plays any more, have you stopped believing in the Theatre?' 'Well, when you write a play, first: you don't get any money, second: no one goes, third: you get crap reviews.... which is a bummer.'

The 2nd Extraordinary Meeting of the Cloud Appreciation Society. Quite literally folks. Fairly entertaining slide show presentation from chap who got the Telegraph to send him to Australia to film glider pilots surfing the wave of clouds rolling in from the Pacific.

Alex Bellos and the forro band - youngish Guardian writer who lived in Brazil for 5 years, ghost-wrote Pele's autobiography. Here presented three-piece band (accordion, bass/snare drum combo, triangle) playing 'forro' - pronounced 'Farha' - from North East Brazil. Very well received, but not my bag, man (see Kureishi, above).

Simon Munnery - rather dodgy new monologue entitled 'The Confessions of Sherlock Holmes'. Mostly very weak stuff, sad to say. The rest of his set was a good deal better, including a reading from his book of aphorisms as published by mysterious graffiti artist Banksy.

Lily Fraser - kind of a posh English Bjork. Band featuring cello & harp. Pretty good. Kureishi liked it enough to hang around.

It's Nice Up North - featuring John Shuttleworth: film documentary following his quest to the Shetland Isles (most northerly point in Uk, you see) to test his theory that the people, and life generally, are nicer the further north you get. Good stuff and certainly not for Southern softies.

Salt Peter http://www.saltpeter.co.uk/ Pretty damn fine stuff. I certainly couldn't summarise them any better than their web site: "ska-punk-porno-dub-break-beat-ya-meat-red-raw-sounds". Their sound is a triumphant and exhilarating concoction of salivating bass, filthy break-beats and thought provoking and unashamedly salacious lyrics." www.myspace.com/wearesaltpeter

Immodesty Blaize - slightly amusing pair of turns from the Queen of Burlesque, but ultimately lightweight and unenduring stuff blog buddies. At the end, I kept expecting to hear the fateful words "And now, Barbara Dickson".

Sunday

A Cornish Forager's Feast - Tasting Workshop. Cooking demo from Skye Gyngell (nuff said) from Richmond-based whole foods cafe. The foraging they'd done seemed to consist of (a) retrieving a few bits of orach (rather like spinach) leaves from nearby, and (b) asking a couple of local fishermen for some fish. The scallop I tasted was delicious but I did get a frightful case of the shits for the next 24 hours, whether by coincidence or not.

Mick Brown on Marvin Gaye. Author of The Spiritual Tourist reading from his work on Mr G, punctuated by loud blasts over the PA of selections from the man's back catalogue. Nice writing, nice presentation and nice music. Nice.

Michael Eavis - Q and A session. Who was the baddest rock star? Pete? Liam? Mark E? How much cheese is produced per day from his 400 cows? (1 ton). Best performances? Oasis 94, Radiohead 97, Bowie 2000, McCartney 2004 (We were a bit worried whether he'd be right for it... we thought he might be a bit too Daily Mail), Van Morrison (you get 1 great gig for every 5 grumpy ones) Worst moments? Dwight Yoakam getting stage fright/not wanting to go on. The Corrs ditto after the Daily Mail reported them as the event's Most Unwanted Act. The Fall not going on in protest at being lower-billed than James.

Guy Pratt - basically an after-dinner speech, and a superb, hilarious one, from the bass player who's played with Pink Floyd, Page, Coverdale, Madonna, Michael Jackson etc. Probably the best-received act I attended. Quoting from his fellow artists: Coverdale on the twin nuisances of Aids and overly-litigious ex-groupies: (booming portentous voice) 'These are dark days indeed for the cocksman'. Madonna's endearing catchphrase during recording sessions: 'Time is money, and it's MY MONEY!!!'. http://www.guypratt.com/

Luke Wright - 24 year-old former member of poetry boy band Aisle16 - so far, so unpromising. But lo! This was one of the best stand-up acts I've seen in a long time. The act was titled 'Luke Wright: Poet Laureate' and was structured around his job application letter and observations on past and current Laureates - from the underperforming 18th-century poet Eusden (output in role: zero, leading to Wright's declaration that "I've done more than Eusden") to today's hapless incumbent (rap on the 21st birthday of Prince William: 'Here's an age attack' http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/arts/3008210.stm ). Poems on the absurdity of the Olympics and the Edmonton Ikea riots of 2005 expressed the mind-set of The Paper about as perfectly as that entity can be expressed.

http://www.lukewright.co.uk/

http://www.myspace.com/lukewrightpoet

SXSW

2006-09-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

Wednesday

CANADIAN PARTY (Marquee opposite the Convention Center, afternoon)

The Golden Dogs - good

Pilate - very good. Owing more than a little debt to U2. http://www.pilate.com/

Magneta Lane - http://www.magnetalane.com/ pretty young girls (well, gorgeous, in fact) which in itself seems to have qualified them as some kind of Next Big Thing deserving of our attention - fair enough, really, though the music was a bit crap.

Swollen Members - (c)rap. is this stuff for real?

EXODUS (large, rather unpleasant, pub type venue)

8pm Richard Julian "One of the best songwriters and record makers I've heard in a very long time."Randy Newman.
"Richard just knocks me out. Some of the coolest, smartest and original music I've heard in years." Bonnie Raitt
"I can't remember anything about this geezer's performance. Bland in the extreme, if that's not an oxymoron" The Paper.

9pm Colin Herring. Kind of a Ryan Adams-in-country-mode copyist wannabe. Band competent enough, though predictable and cliched. CH, a rather annoying on-stage persona, all shades, drawl and chewing gum from this apparently world weary 18 year old.

10pm Amos Lee. Another annoying bloke. Strumming an acoustic guitar. Jack Johnson type thing. Seems to be some kind of heart-throb judging by the idiot whooping of the 20 something female contingent.

11pm World Party - for it was he that we were there for blog buddies - disappointing though obviously great that Mr W is back with us after a 5 year hiatus. Gig at Shep Bush Empire c2000 - Dumbing Up tour - was among best gigs ever been to - this was all acoustic, Karl W + 1 other acoustic guitar + mandolin/violin. It needed some drums, man. Rather loose and unpolished and didn't do it for me, even though the set list was great, perhaps mainly as I was jet-lagged and irritated by the crap views to be had in this rather dismal venue.

Thursday

CONVENTION CENTER

1.15pm Morrissey interviewed by David Fricke of Rolling Stone. Excellent all round really. Usual caustic observations and put-downs of deserving targets.

WATERLOO RECORDS

3pm The Go Team. Only caught their last 5 minutes. Pretty damn excellent though. What you call 'infectious'.

4pm Time out : Whole foods grocery store cum restaurant opposite Waterloo Records. New store just opened surpasses even the excellence of their previous store. Handily located across from Book People too.

5pm Wolfmother. Led Zep hair-based antics. Ok.

AUSTIN MUSIC HALL - BBC RADIO 2 BRITISH MUSIC SHOWCASE

6pm start waiting in line for the 6.30 doors open. Queue of maybe 200. Not a problem as venue capacity is well in the thousands. Non-badge holders must've got in fine, as the place never got more than 75% full all night.

7pm Zutons. Revelation of the festival for me. I'd always been kind of annoyed at their fey/quirky act on that 'You Will, You Won't'. But what d'ya know, they're a proper rock band, with great songs, musicianship and rock n roll attitude de nos jours of which The Paper wholly approves. Even the previously irritating snake-hipped antics of the brunette sax player/vocalist somehow now appealed to the jaded palate of your humble narrator. The drummer was a cross between Ginger Baker and a permed Rory Liffey about to turn into a werewolf, all snarls. Truly a hero for our times.

7.45pm Corinne Bailey Rae. Announced by compere Stuart Maconie as having sold 300,000 copies of her album in the last few weeks, unknown to this Yank crowd. Not exactly unpleasant, but .... well, you know.

8.15pm Richard Hawley. Recall him as excellent on TV. Disappointed. All rather flat and insipid (well I suppose that was the style). Engaging affable character though.

9.30pm Morrissey. Yeah, good. Some of the new songs not too convincing though.

11.15pm Surprise guest act Ray Davies fails to show after supposedly falling out with Morrissey's crew backstage.

12.15am Goldfrapp. Hmm, what is this all about eh? Bland rubbish really.

Friday

WATERLOO RECORDS (SHOP)

2pm. Beth Orton. Yeah, pretty ok. Felt the songs might grow on me if I gave them the chance, though unlikely to change my world kiddies.

3pm KT Tunstall. Is it right that her albums have sold so well? Not sure about that. Anyway, yeah, she's pretty ok.

4pm Whole foods revisited.

ANOTHER VENUE

10pm The Beautiful New Born Children. London-based I believe. Described by Time Out as ‘full speed, heroically lo-fi punk’. They are confused in my mind with the next band, Putney-based Archie Bronson Outfit. Both created a shockingly dreadful noise of no merit whatsoever.

11pm Archie Bronson Outfit. Yeah, quite good... no, only joking, shockingly dreadful, see above.

12am Arctic Monkeys, for it was they that we were there for, blog buddies. Yeah excellent really. Swirling dervish hoodie antics left fast-thinning Yank industry crowd mystified and totally distressed.

Saturday

VELVET SPADE

Afternoon. Cool ultra-small venue, beer garden type set-up outside, plus groovy interior space. 'NY2LON ' afternoon show, lucky to blag entry by schmoozing fellow-queueing, bona-fide guest listers. A mix of New York and London up-and-comings. Editors rained off as gear got soaked. Charlatans succeeded under clearer skies with minor technical hitches of a damp-based nature. They'd never registered with me except as a name bandied about among Manchester mathematicians in the mid 80s. But they struck me as excellent and entirely endearing in their middle aged pomp.

ETERNAL

Nice small scale pub type venue.

10pm Lisa Germano. Very nice songstress of the Joan As Police Woman school. Piano-based, striking.

11pm Martha Wainwright. For it was her that we were there blog buddies. Well, this was a 50 minute orgasm basically. To be 5 feet or so from The Goddess herself, performing flawlessly with minimalist bass and drums accompaniment, a perfect set, all songs from the album, no messing or experimenting, guttural sweatiness, Tequilas. YESSSS!!

EXODUS

12am Nine Black Alps. These are apparently a popular combo from the North of England. A straight replica of Nirvana basically, a handicap which they never really began to overcome.

BLENDER BALCONY AT THE RITZ

1am Black Moses. High Octane Rawk n Roll. A feeling of stepping out of the main festival into the 'fringe'. Sparsely populated small banked-table-seating venue. The hint of true rock n roll bravado cutting through all the niceness and corporatism generally pervading the entire festival. Which was nice. But - and this is the first time I've ever said this blog buddies - and I've happily tarried awhile at Motorhead and Manowar gigs (Battle Hymns - what an album - www.manowar.com "It was then that Manowar entered the Guinness Book Of World Records as the world's loudest band".) TOO BLEEDIN LOUD!!! My companion was able to wear the ear plugs kindly provided in the badge holder's goodie bag on the first day. Otherwise it would've been a v swift exit. Anyway, about 4 songs only. Good stuff, but yes, too loud indeed.

EXODUS

1.30 am Charlatans. Scheduled for 1 am. Join queue and get swept into venue by mini tide of people. It seems band is just about to start. They've been delayed. Now seems this mini tide is the band's entourage entering the backstage area. Heavy set, long haired bearded band manager type, of Peter Grant like stature and mien, yanks me back outside the door saying 'he's not with the band'. Good sense prevails, and I am granted admission anyway as band strikes up to repeat their session of the afternoon. Yeah, not bad at all, this lot.

SUMMING UP

Overall a good experience. Would go again, but wouldn't shell out $525 for the all areas access badge, would just pay cover charges at the door - seems this can get you into most things, and if not, then worthwhile to explore some of the lesser known venues/acts anyway. Free and open-to-all afternoons at Waterloo Records very worthwhile for starters.